PMMD Day

The PTSD memories of lost friends is ringing loud and clear too...Emma the person I used to consider my 'sister from another mister' wont even allow me to follow her on Insta, so what hope do I have of finding someone who would want to spend their life with me? All that resounds is the last thing she said to me..."I can't take it when you're like this"... and that was during a panic attack that I was actually a new development for me at the time. I guess in that moment she saw this instead of the reality at the time for me. Again being misunderstood echoes on in my head but it's no comfort that I know this isn't the true me.

I am sad and trying not to cry, but part of me knows if I keep it in I will on exert it later on in a negative manner, possibly towards someone else; it scares others to see the difference so clearly; I understand why they think I am unstable. And in turn this forever keeping me distant from making meaningful connections. That is the hurtful part, not the reactions of others just my inevitable isolation.

I am doubting if what I feel for someone could ever be reciprocated and already within minutes want to give up. It's not wanting to be gone , just wanting an end to the manic mood swings and constant isolation for fear of more hate misjudgement and resentment heading my way. Because I have seen it for years now I almost wishing my resilience and tenacious side would just dissipate so I can give in, but it doesn't. Further expense to my already low energy levels.

I agreed to give someone space but all I want is for them to reach out to me and say they can see something good in me that's worth trying for, but that's unheard of in my experience so I feel like I'm getting my own hopes up only to come crashing down when another week's passed and then there nothing again. How long is long enough for someone to process things? There's no answer I know, but it sure feels like I cannot even earn enough respect to for closure anymore.

Am I not worthy of being understood or at least having those I want in my life being up front with me?

Are they too scared of triggering PTSD in me that I don't deserve any frank conversations in return? I know people don't like conflict, trust me I am one of them, but then my brain reminds me that my ASD means I am likely to not understand others around me so often will seek this honest and frank conversations. This also pushes people away.

I feel like I am destined to have everyone in my life walk away from me without a goodbye as if I was never good enough to begin with, could I never gain an ounce of respect?

The combination of PMDD with the autism is excruciatingly difficult. I know I am not stupid so why do my interpersonal relations make me feel this way so much...deep down I know I never learnt the skills I needed to be okay with this lack of closure, but on the other hand my compassion and love for all others wonders why it's so easy for others to be at ease with, but not me? For me the slightest bit of closure goes a long way in helping me move on, I know I wont be able to without any, and again the self loathing rises to the surface. Why  can I not control this? The frustrations now arising too.

My ADHD wants me to go and be social, but I have learnt that even if I do its a double edged knife. One side the social interactions will help me ground myself, bring me a distraction and reset my perspective.  But on the other I know my ASD face will show the torment of my inner thoughts and even if they are non relative to the people I am engaging with. Those around me will not see my internal battle but rather a normally accepted representation of disinterest, moodiness and take it personally. I wont be invited to hang out again. I do not have the energy in these moments to remain mindful of my representations in my body language, the auto function overrides this no matter how hard I try. If I cannot change this I cannot be accepted....

And again my poor brain diverts to just end this.

I am not sure how to go about my day today. And although there is an opportunity to meet someone new and spend time with them this weekend, my heart is attached to the other sole, I said I'd give time to.

Do I ignore my values allow the wants to make way for any connections I can get to ease my pain?  I'm  knowing this will only make it all harder to battle in the long run. I know this other connection means nothing to me but the need for human affection grows with the hormonal influx. The worst bit is when the hormones die back the self doubt remains ingrained.

I regretfully know I am hurting but also know that the reasons for all the above is out of my control today, finding a middle ground seems impossible.

 And in this moment I remember things that person I am longing to be around; and who has come through their own battles in life, has forge themselves a good place. They are wise to try and advise me that despite my strong positive attributes, there's a negativity they worked so hard to rid from their life, and I know no one deserves to have to battle this with me. Its so hard when that person emits such positive vibrations I know would be a benefit to me as I lack this from my current settings completely.

No matter the patience and non judgement I need to find a way through to feel safe this is an unfair expectation and hope in humanity, I still cling too.

Who am I to expect that I can be accepted when I cannot stop this overwhelming negative influence in myself? I know that on my good days I am an advocate for humanity in its most loving and accepting forms, but I am also aware of the negative forces that take over me when PMDD is in full swing.

Being honest and realistic doesn't really help in these moments, just as much as being negative doesn't either. So lost is the current state of mind. Again I find myself asking questions like how long can I live like this? When a progressive disorder so misunderstood, stops you every month in your tracks, wouldn't you want to give up too?

But I will persevere I have no choice. Festering loneliness only grows with this.

To all my fellow PMDD suffers, You are not alone in your experiences.

I understand the overwhelming conflicts we experience and despite my entry above I also know there will be developments in possible treatments in the future. Recent studies showing genetical links to our hormonal irregularity have been published and I am ever hopeful from this they will find treatment that does not involve brain altering medicines or having to have our reproductive systems surgically removed.

I long for it to develop soon rather than later, for selfish reasons like maybe wanting a family of my own one day, but bigger than that is the hope for future generations to be able to benefit from all this and not having to experience the isolation and misunderstanding we all face today.

I urge you all to support one another and in the meantime also help raise awareness of our condition rather than leaving it to Doctors who will never fully understand unless they too have PMDD. They need our input to find better solutions, so be part of that change we all want for ourselves.

I send all of you my compassion and love during your difficult phases and hope that together we can ease our pain experienced brought about misconception and misunderstandings presented to us by others.